I sometimes do a form of journeying in my sessions and in my own meditations. This is a recent one.
My perch is on a large rock in the center of the glade. There is a hollow in it, just right for me to sit comfortably. I relax and breathe, appreciating the sunlight in the foliage and warmth on my back. I come here to communicate with alternate selves – the “me’s” from other realities or other timelines from whom I can learn. Romantic and sexual relationships have always been a challenge for me and I am feeling a sadness. Even the wonderful long term relationship I have had was not one in which I could explore that sexual side. Is it futile to hope for something more, even at my age? Today I want to connect with a future self, one who has my past and now has fulfilling relationships. Once I am settled in, I call out, asking her to appear.
She laughs. “What did you expect? That your future self would look younger than you do now? A miracle of anti-aging? Come now. You know women who look their age beautifully.”
Yeah, I think, but they started beautiful. Brushing this thought aside, I speak to her. “Tell me, what is your life like?”
“You mean do I have a man and how did I get him?” She grins, “I have several. More accurately there are two men with whom I share my…hmm ‘my erotic feminine side’.” The grin broadens. “I like – even love – each. There are differences. One is cuddly. Wonderful warm hugs. Sweet gentle sex. Relaxed together. Another is a fellow explorer. Interested in other worlds, other spiritual states. Our sex is fun – and not a major aspect. He and I are more Air and Fire. With the first one it is more Earth and Water. I also still love the one you know and we still have a strong spiritual link.”
“Are you happy?” I ask. “In the relationships?” My question sounds trite to my own ears.
“Of course or I wouldn’t be in them. I think I prefer to call them ‘close friendships’. You and I have too much baggage around the term ‘relationship’. ”
“How did you get them? Would I need more therapy to be able to have such a future?”
She chortles. “No. I gave up. Gave up the idea of The Love of My Life. Grieved it. Released it. Burned it. None of these men is The Love of My Life. Not even my beloved R. Loves of my life, maybe. What did I do? I started interacting with men – with people – with an appreciation of what I saw in them. Not a focus on what they saw in me. I started conversations with strangers that were just that – conversations. I did things with them as friends, not as candidates for romantic partnership. ”
I sighed. “I can’t imagine that. Can’t imagine being there.”
“Right now it seems undesirable to you. Your heart is heavy, considering it. I assure you, it isn’t a heavy hearted experienced. You know you’ve had other glimpses of your future that you judged unacceptable. But when you got there, you found it was perfect, even wonderful. You can’t judge here from there.”
Nonetheless, I was pulling back. She faded away.